Losing Your Memory
by kenyarosewater
Summary: Holly is trying to move on from Gail even if it means losing herself in the process. Set after 5x07. Abuse/violence warning. Rating may later change to M.


**This is my first time even attempting to write Rookie Blue and I'm really not very confident about it. I haven't really written in over two years so my writing has probably gone downhill.**

**I put this in the summary but just in case someone didn't see it, major warning for abuse/violence in this chapter as well as the later ones.**

* * *

People always say you have to take a hit and get back up. Get back in the game, wipe off the dust and keep on moving. That's a "good" quality. Something that's seen as a strength.

But have any of them, people who value that ability _so much_, actually been hit? Have any of them had the experience of laying on their own bedroom floor after someone who was supposed to love them hurt them in unimaginable ways? Have any of them actually had to get up, go to work or go to school, and act like everything is fine. Cover up the marks, laugh with their friends, call their parents and say "yes, I'm doing great"?

Do they know the struggle of waking up every morning with fear coursing through their body, sheer terror of what the day might bring? Do they understand what it's like to know that someone cares but shutting them out because God forbid they try to intervene and get hurt at your expense?

Maybe if they did, maybe, they would value getting hit, getting up, and getting help instead.

* * *

Gail was convinced that Oliver was out to get her. "Go check on these blood samples." "Go take the evidence to the lab." Every other day it was something. Something that required seeing Holly, making awkward small talk, and trying to get out with her dignity still intact. He was convinced that they could work it out despite Gail telling him multiple times that Holly was seeing someone and that his futile attempts at playing matchmaker were only making things worse.

Today it was a DNA sample that carried her on the dreaded trip to the morgue, something a rookie could easily have done, but Oliver insisted it be her.

Gail stopped outside in the hall, watching through the window as Holly leaned over some papers, long hair hiding her face. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for the humiliation that would probably follow, and walked in, making sure to open the door loudly enough that she wouldn't have to get Holly's attention with an awkward greeting. Holly jumped, her papers scattering on the floor- maybe it wasn't the best plan.

"I'm so sorry." Gail blurted, immediately walking over to where Holly was crouched to help her pick them up. She would have probably laughed if it was anyone else- she definitely wouldn't have even offered to help. But it was Holly, and things we just different with her. They always had been. A few layers of her icy exterior melted whenever she was around Holly and she couldn't stop it even when she wanted to.

"It's fine." Holly dismissed, not even bothering to look up and meet her eye. Was she annoyed? She was probably tired of Gail showing up so often and Gail didn't blame her for that. It probably seemed like a sad, desperate attempt to get her back, but it wasn't- at least not entirely.

"You know, it really wasn't my choice to come here. I can-," She stopped. "Are you okay?" Only then did Holly look up, giving Gail a better glance at what made her stop in the first place. Holly's bottom lip was split, right down the middle, swollen and bruised.

Holly quickly stood up. "I'm fine. I was just caught up in some work." She muttered. She took the papers and laid them on the table, looking away from Gail to fiddle with a pen. "So, did you need something?"

"I need you to run this DNA but that's not what I-" Holly quickly took the sample from her, still refusing to meet her eye.

"I'll get back to you as soon as I get a result." She moved a stack of papers around, trying to appear busy, a sure sign that she wanted Gail to just leave.

"Holly, look at me. What happened? And don't say it's nothing because I know you and you're being really-"

"No, you don't know me at all, Gail. That's the problem." Holly looked up with so much fire in her eyes that Gail stepped back. "I'll get back to you as soon as I get a result, but I have work to do now."

Gail held her hands up in surrender and walked out without another word.

* * *

Holly had never been a weak person. She realized she liked girls at the young age of nine and never felt like she had any reason to hide it. Growing up gay wasn't easy, but pretending to be something she wasn't was never an option to her. Her family was accepting and so were most of the people in the area where she grew up, but there were always the few bad seeds in her class at school who made fun of anyone who was at all different. It caused her to build up a thick skin, letting insult and injury just slide off her most of the time. She was not a fighter but she could defend herself if she had to, or at least she used to.

She watched Gail leave, fighting the urge to ask her to come back. She shouldn't have been so harsh. The look on Gail's face made her want to apologize and take it back, but she knew she couldn't do that. The last thing she wanted was to hurt Gail any more than she probably already had, but she was scared. All morning she had been praying that anyone but Gail would be stop by that day, but apparently God, if there even was one, didn't hear her.

It had been a month since the day Gail came to see her and apologized, tried to explain herself. A month since she had reacted more coldly than she wanted to out of her own stubborn hurt and dismissed her apology so easily. "I'm seeing someone," just slipped out so easily, even though that night was only their second date.

Holly met Sasha at a lesbian bar. She worked security at the door and made Holly laugh one night when she helped her escort a drunk friend out to the car. She was a little drunk herself but somehow was still able to get her number. Sasha was the opposite of Gail. Taller and more muscular, brunette, loud and outgoing. Just enough differences to help her forget about Gail for just a little while, although her job was close enough to Gail's that the jokes made themselves.

Their first "date", they went to a bar and played pool, did shots, and somehow ended up in the back alley in a heated make out session. Holly woke up the next day with bruised lips, a hangover, and a text from Sasha asking if she wanted to go out again. She replied yes instantly, pushing out thoughts of Gail and the nagging guilt that she couldn't shake.

They had been officially "together" ever since their second date, a little fast for Holly's taste, but anything to move on. Anything to finally get Gail out of her head, and she pretended it worked.

The night before, something had gone wrong. They were out at the club where Sasha worked as they often were when a man walked up to them. "I want my fucking money!" He got right up in Sasha's face and started yelling.

It wasn't rare for a man to come in, even if it was a lesbian bar. Unfortunately, men would often come in and try to hit on or harass women- although it didn't take long for them to leave or get kicked out. However, most were fairly harmless and definitely not as violent as this guy.

Sasha led him outside and Holly, curious and more than a little worried, followed them into the alley where they were arguing. Nothing they were saying made sense but it sounded like it had to be something illegal. Sasha, obviously oblivious to Holly's presence was yelling and throwing threats at him with so much venom in her voice that Holly's uneasy feeling started to lean in the direction of terrified.

She was about to go back inside, pay her bill, and end the date early when it happened. Sasha pushed the man who was at least six inches taller and probably twice her weight, so hard that he stumbled backwards and fell on the ground hard. Holly couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her mouth and that was when Sasha turned around and saw her.

"You're a crazy bitch!" The man shouted before walking quickly out of the alley.

Holly turned to leave as well but Sasha grabbed her by the arm. "I really should go." Her heart was pounding and she felt trapped even though Sasha hadn't grabbed her very hard.

"Holly, please. It's not what it looks like." Her voice was pleading and all the anger had left her face, but Holly had to listen to her gut instinct.

"I really… I really think I should leave." She tried to walk away but Sasha's grip tightened. "I don't think it's going to work between us."

Holly finally jerked her arm away, but the next thing she knew her back was against the wall and the air had been knocked out of her lungs. She opened her mouth and the hit came swiftly. Blood filled her mouth. Her mind went blank.

"I'm sorry." She didn't even notice that Sasha had stepped back. The shock took over her body and all she could do was nod. She walked away without a word and this time Sasha didn't try to stop her.

Holly got in her car and drove the short distance home. The blood dripped down her chin and onto her shirt but she didn't even notice. It wasn't until she got inside her apartment and saw herself in the mirror that it all really clicked. This had happened. It was real.

She wiped her face. She changed her clothes. She got ice for her lip. She felt like she was moving through a dream between the alcohol and all the events of the night. She sat down on the couch and as the fog began to clear from her head, her first thought was Gail.

What would she think? Probably that she was weak. She would probably pity her and there was absolutely nothing worse than that. But at the same time, a part of her wished she could tell her. Take the burden off herself and tell someone who she knew would care, but it was too late. She was realizing that maybe the only way to forget Gail was to lose herself.

She finally picked up on Sasha's fifth call.


End file.
